@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

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@TheCatWhisprer

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

@notfolu

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

@roxiqt

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

@parsfarce

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

@SkippyMcGizzard

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

@TheAndrewNadeau

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

@G_Faylor

[getting moidered]
is this because i’m from new joisey?

@PJTLynch

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”