@jakob_huber

Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”

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@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@Gre_Gone

*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*

@Gupton68

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@wickedsuga

Don’t just assume I’m crazy. Let this wedding album I photoshopped you into speak for itself.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

@stewnami

I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.

@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

@wendchymes

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.