Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Very good news from my accountant
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me