Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]