@HatfieldAnne

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

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@SatansTongue

Horton hears a who
Horton hears a what
Horton hears a chicka chicka slim shady

Horton is listening to Eminem

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@GinAndJif

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

@shitshowdotinfo

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

@decentbirthday

Isn’t it weird that Greenland is icy and Iceland is where my wife moved when she left me

@droopystill

yes i am an embarrassment to my family but i am also an embarrassment to other families

@Cpin42

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers