@HatfieldAnne

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

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@RobbyActually

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

@eyeswidebutt

if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

@sonictyrant

Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer

Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?

Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin

@TheHyyyype

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

@milexro

The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.

@bencoffeehall

I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.

@nash_official

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@dlockw21

TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.

Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

TSA: ….