started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
Me: *calls waiter over* You’ve given my girlfriend 2 dead rats on a skewer
Waiter: Yes the ratatouille, anything else sir?
Me: lets cancel that coq- au- vin
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Kit Kats & Doritos.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?