Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
You Might Also Like
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
What even happened today?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?