@DennysDiner

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

- @DennysDiner

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@StinkyGr33n

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@wittwitbarista

I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.

@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

@caseytduncan

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

@mrjohntofu

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

@JLazySAngus

Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…

Me: What’s the problem?

Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!

@adult_mom

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

@theevilwriter

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@ShortWhiteNUgly

I make my children listen to people like Pink Floyd and Bob Marley so they learn the difference between Chris Brown and music.