Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
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I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
This took me a second..
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”