[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
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me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
thanks auntie mary
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
next question.