When you lie on your resume but still get the job…
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?