[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
why isn’t he texting back
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high