[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

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that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare


*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.


I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.


when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..


relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return


[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”


“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.


I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?