Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
OH. COME. ON.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*