Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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10 days ago: eating cat food.
Today: eating the cat.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’ll be emotionally available again as soon as they find Bigfoot.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Aladdin is really just an elaborate catfish story.