@JohnLyonTweets

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

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@jbillinson

Biden: “Guess who just upper-decked the toilet outside the Oval Office?”
Obama: “Dammit Joe, I have to live here for two more months”

@Trigg3rHippie

Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.

@bloodysurgeon1

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

@mack44_d

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.