@haveigotnews

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

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@_ElvishPresley_

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

@shutupmikeginn

If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??

@chuuew

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

@beefman138

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

@rockymomax

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

@Its_Kene

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

@brryyccceee

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

@NikiWithIssues

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

@markedly

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once