if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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You used to call me on my spell phone
Manager to waiter:
Wait for it..
Wait for it..
(Sees me take a huge bite of food)
Go! Go! Go!
Waiter: so how is everything today?
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
SIGNS YOUR HOUSE IS
HAUNTED BY A SHY GHOST:
* tea cozies slightly askew
* light clinking of paperclips heard in empty rooms
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time