INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type
ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once