Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
You Might Also Like
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.