Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
This kinda thing happens to me often
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.