Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
the answer was staring at me all along
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Sticker placement is key.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
liiiiiiiiike
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.