Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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courtroom exchange of the day
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
*me flirting
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me