Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Happy thanksgiving!
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.