@supermarkusa

Jehovah Witnesses are excited because now they Know y’all are gonna be home when they come knocking on the door.

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@donttouchjames

[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here

@splendidcynic

Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.

@InternetHippo

*clicks on video called How to Cut a Pineaple* This is what I need

Video (32:56): The pineapple first appeared in South America over 500 ye

@Im_Tricia

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

@kyry5

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019: