@Pro_Jones_

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

You Might Also Like

@SufficientCharm

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@ibid78

[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer

@xosm

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

@gruffybeard

Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.

@Fred_Delicious

[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”

@amandajpanda

I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.

72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.

@Spaziotwat

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

@realHamOnWry

Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.