Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
All excellent questions
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces