TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
[goes back in time to murder baby Hitler] wow long line of people here to kill him
[goes back to murder myself] how is this line even longer
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Primary cause of death: Eaten
Primary cause of death: Eating
Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.
*baby takes first step*
wow took you long enough