Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”
-people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
*googles murder tips
*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search
They won’t be able to prove a thing!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
911: Try to stay calm.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.