Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

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Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.


ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.


I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.


“They are more afraid of you than you are of them.”

-people who know even less about me than they do about bears


Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly


*googles murder tips

*adds “asking for a friend” at the end of each search

They won’t be able to prove a thing!

*evil cackles


911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.


Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.


i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.