Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩