Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!