Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

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[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.


Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD



Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.


News Anchor: Our correspondent at the scene had this to say.
*cut to correspondent*
Correspondent: This.


Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*


“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”


Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science


This third bottle of wine has turned everything into a microphone.