Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?