Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes.

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Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?

Dad you’re an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it’s literally all you guys talk about


Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim


My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.


Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.

Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?

Me: K.


Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.


INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?


Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:


Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now


Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.


Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO