Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.