[guy inventing Captain Crunch]
Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.
Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
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Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that