Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me