@DaaNoggs

Jehovah’s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes

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@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.

@leftarmisme

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

@AngryRaccoon2

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

@chuuew

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

@FuckabillyRex

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

@lionprincessval

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

@MarcyLane

When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”

@mrs_campfire

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that