Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.