Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
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God is like Justin Bieber. I have nothing against him personally, but his fan club is super annoying.
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
My dance floor moves are exactly like what happens when a child wanders into the middle of a parade.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.