Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

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Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore


As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.


A policeman came into my house and told me to put my hands up.I told him that he wasn’t a DJ and we laughed and laughed and now I’m in jail.


WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.


Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.


Me: I’m gonna shower.
Him: Pics or it didn’t happen.

*takes pic of hair in drain


Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?