Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Cndnsd Mlk
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all