JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
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Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
How to find Kentucky on a map
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
our love story in four pictures
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.