Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
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My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
LMAO.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
me and my fake scenarios
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman