Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
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My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.