Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
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SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…