*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?
Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross
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When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.
Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.