@annievictorias

Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross

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@KentWGraham

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@ilovepie84

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

@iwearaonesie

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

@PhilJamesson

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

@patnspankme

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

@LetsFav

Being a Twitter elite is like being the most popular patient in the asylum.

@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

@Lexxivy

If your boyfriend is ever about to break up with you, yell “what about the baby!” You’ll be in a relationship for at least another 5 minutes