@annievictorias

Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross

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@Jennuflect

*wakes up w/phone in hand*
Me:[texting] Sorry I fell asleep on ya last night
*text chime*
Couch: I’m like right here why are you texting me?

@ddsmidt

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

@WilliamAder

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

@LostFelicia

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

@shitshowdotinfo

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

@PondHockeyPro

Is rage cooking a thing? It should be, it’s happening right now.

Who wants 16 twice baked potatoes?

@Marlebean

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.