Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow