Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

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The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.


what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog


I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.


I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug


Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits


I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.


Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.


When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.


[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]


I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden