@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

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@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@nice_mustard

what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog

@KrazykurtKurt

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

@michaeljhudson

I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug

@pleatedjeans

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

@Ivsy01

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

@onelongbender

When people tell me I’m intimidating, I generally just glare at them until they take it back.

@UtilityLimb

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

@mela_shea

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden