[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
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Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]