The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out.
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
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NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs…
Technically, all national anthems are country music.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Here at Nickelodeon, we’re constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child’s head should be shaped like.