Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?


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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u


My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”


when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”


Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.


Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!

Me: No, that’s just God crying.

*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*


Never understand when someone says, “cats are snobby.” Like dogs are constantly inviting you & the kids over for burgers & a swim?


Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”


Bad joke of the day:

What did the finger say to the thumb?
I’m in glove with you.


I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.


[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything