[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
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Unionize your workplace
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.