Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
You Might Also Like
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog