@Seinfeld2000

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

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@animaldrumss

me: How many calls do I get?
cop: one
me: What do you think is more likely? a lawyer delivering pizza or a dominos providing legal counsel?

@ohpegah

[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]

Board: B A L L

Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!

Board: T R E A T S

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

@MaybePileJokes

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

@davidkenny100

When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example

@ClichedOut

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

@prufrockluvsong

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp