JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Important
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
For the baby who has everything
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Comparing yourself to others