Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
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Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Her: What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order.
Me: It’s really pretty easy.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”
And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you