@BigJDubz

Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

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@Freudianscript

When life gives you lemons…..

Facebook makes lemonade.
Twitter Makes Martinis.

@AbbieEvansXO

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@TheBoydP

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

@whatmaddness

[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]

@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

@Tmoney68

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.