Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread

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Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.


Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true


Her: What’s a girl gotta do to get a drink?
Me: You just give the bartender your order.
Her: …
Me: It’s really pretty easy.
Her: *leaves*


I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.


me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!


GOD: look what I created [points to clouds]
ANGEL: what am I lookin at?
GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It’s up to you!
ANGEL: are you high?


When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack


A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.


[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes


GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you