jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
my name if I was in the mob