jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

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My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid

Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born

8 y/o daughter:

Wife: ZACK!


A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”


They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.


The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.


My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”


Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit


i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends