@PleaseBeGneiss
@Mr_Kapowski
My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid
Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we’re born
8 y/o daughter:
Wife: ZACK!
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@Mr_Kapowski
@Imnotsurehow
A sure fire way to lose a afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says “come on it will only take a half hour to fix”
@GrowlyGrego
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
@jessokfine
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
@iwearaonesie
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
@MooseAllain
Flock of bats
@Cheeseboy22
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
@ellle_em
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
@neonwario
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
@Lowenaffchen
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends