Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.