@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

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@matt_travelling

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

@Go2Slp

I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.

@Jettalea

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

@rebrafsim

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

@Tobi_Is_Fab

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

@Lisabug74

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

@serendipitydon1

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

@Kyle_Lippert

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’