Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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I like Ohio’s abbreviation because any address sounds like you just realized where you are and you’re not super pleased about it.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
[First Day As a Babysitter]
“Alexa, change the kid’s diaper”
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’