Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.