@stephenjmolloy Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
@huntigula [Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
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@stephenjmolloy 
@Cpin42 [being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
@papasuncle [seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
@IamJackBoot Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
@JeffMyspace A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
@HavocMantis Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
@MsSkarsgaard Him: I’ll kill anyone that tries to come near you.
Me: Oh, that’s sweet babe but do you think you could you leave the Cinnabon samples guy alone?
@jackmackenroth It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
@BestScienceJoke Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
@Reverend_Scott Fun Fact:
Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.