[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
This kinda thing happens to me often
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am