Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
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There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My work here is don’t.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
started wrapping my pills in cheese