[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]

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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*


My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it


youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?


Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse


*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?


Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.