I try to get all my news from FB
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body
[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood
[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.