@daemonic3

[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body

[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood

[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.

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@mrjohndarby

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

@dumbbeezie

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

@DylanGelula

youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?

@lilgapeach30

Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages.

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@dumbbeezie

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

@sixfootcandy

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.