[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
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8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
How it started: How it’s going:
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne