Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
No Google it does not
Breaking news:
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww