“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
put ‘er there pardner!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush