Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
The struggle is real
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”