Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.