jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.

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Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”


I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.


Me: Dear Santa…

Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.


My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.


Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)


[front door opens]

Everyone [hiding in the dark]: *flicks on lights* SURPRISE!

Burglar: It sure is!


[someone fires a glitter cannon]


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.