[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
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My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no