@KimmyMonte

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

You Might Also Like

@MumInBits

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

@man_spach

When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.

@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@DadZZZasleep

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

@chinesegon

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

@murrman5

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

@Darlainky

I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.

@ruinedpicnic

[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see