[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

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3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed


When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.


Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom



I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.


wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]


“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion


Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]

Me: *[Types in]


You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.


I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.


[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see