JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
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Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..